Cancer Fight 6 – Feeling robbed.

First of all, I apologise for the profanity that might be in this post, but to put it bluntly, I’m totally pissed off… my mind is not in a good place at the moment. Freddy seems to be robbing me of everything. And I mean f**king everything.

My mind is in turmoil at the moment… waiting for the 26th April, to know if they can do anything and if they can how intensive the treatment will be, is like living on borrowed time. Trying to raise my spirits a little he took me to Broadview Gardens in Hadlow… in that bloody wheelchair. This is what is agonising me, I’ve gone through 2 hip replacements to be able to walk, and now I can’t because I’m so breathless. I feel totally robbed.

Knowing it will take time for the infection to go and building up my strength, but hurry up. I feel at the moment that I am drowning in mental anguish.

And if those thoughts are not enough, the WordPress daily prompt was ‘Where do you see yourself in 10 years?’…I just felt like shouting..10 years, more like 10months and I’ll be pushing up daises.’

F**k me, cancer is playing havoc with my mind.

This place is so dark, I’m trying for hardest to stay strong for Mr A and my son.. but I want to cry and scream and shout about how unfair life and cancer is. If I could punch a wall I would, but knowing my luck, I’d break my wrist and fingers instead of making an indent anywhere in that wall.

People are giving me strength, to fight with their kind words and encourage and willing me to carry on… which I greatly appreciate. Strangers who I have never met on twitter are offering their encouragement and telling me I will win, but I just wish that there was a miracle pill that could take these dark thoughts and feelings out of my head and make me feel I have a fighting chance.

It is silly things that bring these dark thoughts to me, today on our trip to Broadview, the first flower was these beautiful daffodils…

And the first thing my mind went to, was will I see the daffodils flower next year. F**k you Freddy, you are destroying me, my mental health and tearing my family apart. I am going to fight this, but this waiting game is just a nightmare, I think back to the half-hearted smiles of the doctors in the hospital as they keep telling me how serious things were.

I feel like beating myself to a pulp, for not going to the doctors sooner, for not going for the mammograms. And I’m scared shitless, about leaving everything behind. Who will look after them? Who will hold things together? If, I don’t make it. The MDT meeting is today at the hospital, and I am fearing my phone will ring with those awful words, ‘We can’t do anything for you!’

Oh please, just f**k off Freddy!

14 responses to “Cancer Fight 6 – Feeling robbed.”

  1. You should should scream and yell. It helps me. There is a lot they can do with experimental options these days. I recommend KU in kansas city ks. They are the best hospital around. I don’t know where you live but definitely go to a prestigious hospital. we have a hospital in my town i wouldn’t send my dog to, I drive over an hour to KU but they are so kind, professional, organized and they saved my life so far. Just saying…all my best to you

    Liked by 1 person

    • I live in the UK… unfortunately we don’t get much of a choice. I am thinking of asking them if I could go to Kims in Maidstone for the surgery, if that is what they think is best.


  2. Scream and shout and cry and swear, then stand up tall ( I know you’re not talll! 😘) and face this little b@&£@?d head on! Come on Freddy, if you think you’re hard enough xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am glad you are able to fuckin’ give it all to the beast that lurks within, but remember anger and tension can fuel that miserable fuckin’ bastard.
    That wait is interminable I would be a fuckin’ mess as well. Don’t even think about “life after Bren”, they’ll be OK. Anyway I want to be at your 70th birthday party OK? 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It helps me to wake up every day and find 3 things to be grateful for. The warmth of the sun in the morning, the wind blowing through the trees, my goofy dogs that keep me company and make me smile. Life is trying at time but, it is a gift and a chance to share ourselves with the ones we love so that we live on through them regardless. Fight Freddy but, calm your mind. Getting too upsets only feeds him and weakens you. Stay strong, have faith and Love all that You are. Sending love and care your way. Nancy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Bren I hope with every passing day you get more and more strength to fight with every single thing you have !!! I pray for you this day Bren. Love Rosemary xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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