Bacardi Girl

On Monday 27th I was transferred to Lister Ward at Medway Maritime Hospital.. how long for I didn’t know. But one thing I did know… I was still being pumped full of fluids, phosphates and God knows what else.

It was a bay of four beds and the women on there were absolutely fantastic and friendly. Believe it or not, there were two Sue’s and two Brenda’s. Oh boy, did we have a laugh. As they say, laughter is the best cure.

Again, veins were collapsing, and blood was refusing to come out of my veins. Promptly the Dr arrived on the Ward at about 11am Tuesday morning… he informed me the severity of my case and said they would do all they could. They’ve escalated my case as priority and things should get moving soon. I don’t think he could understand, why I wasn’t some snivelling wreck in a bed, crying because there is a chance I might die.

It hadn’t hit me to be honest. In fact, I am the ‘Linchpin’ of our family. I am the one they come to, and I am the one that holds everything together. So, I knew I had to be brave because the shock on their faces and the pain in their eyes over the last couple of days, made me will the strength to hold it all together. If things needed sorting, I sorted it! If things needed to be done, I did them!

And now I’m heavily relying on them for strength and courage.

The staff were fantastic, the nurses and doctors showed so much care and as the days went on I don’t think they could still understand why I hadn’t broken down. My Tuesday morning Doctor told me that he would aim to get me home by Thursday to be with my family.

Thursday came and I was still there… no signs of going home. Bloods were not right and because of my high calcium there was a chance of seizure. Then there was talk of Friday discharge…and nothing…

It was on Friday evening that I finally broke down in tears… I thought to myself, I’m never going home. I’m never going to see my house, my dog and wake up in my own bed. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing… The nurse was brilliant… she calmed me down as it was affecting my breathing and making it difficult to breathe.

All these emotions were rushing through my body… and then the blame game started. I kept thinking, ‘You stupid cow, why didn’t you go somewhere? Why didn’t you go for those mammograms? This is all your own fault!’. Then I started to feel a burden on the NHS, if I had been to their clinics, kept the appointments, I wouldn’t be in this mess.

As the night progressed, all I could think about is my dog and how he was missing me and was pining. The pain in my family’s eyes. And then came the feeling ‘I don’t want to die!’ and ‘I don’t want to say goodbye to the people I love.’

Saturday came and I tried to stay as upbeat as I could, but I was finding it hard to stay positive and upbeat when visitors came.

Then Sunday came and my bloods had improved and they said I could go home…. as long as I had someone at home to care for me.

Sunday afternoon, the discharge papers were handed to me, along with a barrow load of things to take. Potassium and Phosphate soluble tablets, Magnesium chewable tablets. Something for my stomach… as well as the usual medication I take.

But I was determined to take everything and anything just to keep out of that hospital.

Sunday was a good day… I was home. My dog went ballistic when he saw me… and was totally ruined after a week of hubby’s and son care. My god he thought he was now a king of the castle.

Thursday 6th April 2023 – Follow-Up Appointment

An appointment was made for me for the following Thursday to see the Same Day Emergency Care Team… where they took blood and told me my results were good and infection markers were down. and calcium levels were normal along with the potassium, phosphate and magnesium levels.

The told me that the Multi Disciplinary Team were meeting the following week on about the 17th April to discuss what is next. And they asked me how I got on at the Breast Care Clinic the day before on the 5th April. I had to explain that nobody informed me I had to be there on the 5th April.

They finally discharged me and said I need another blood test done in two week’s by my GP. I hadn’t even reached the car when my phone rang, and I had an appointment for the Breast Care Clinic on the 10th April at 9.30am.

That week being back home, brought out a lot of emotions and a lot of tears. The plans we made for the future felt at times as if they were never going to happen and life felt so unfair. We had so many plans, we had a move on the horizon that we now had to back out of. We planned to do this and that. The thought that I may never do any of our plans consumed me with fear, sadness, disappointment as well as feeling robbed of my life. But deep down I was still blaming myself. What a mess I had got myself in. If only… was forever around in my head… the regrets, the kicking of myself, and the guilt of letting others down… by the possibility of dying. I tried to remain positive but sometimes reality steps in and you are back in that dark corridor with no exit and no light at the end to guide you through. These were seriously dark times and a place I didn’t want to visit but my thoughts were just sending me down this dark corridor.

Cancer sucks…..it robs you of everything… happiness, tranquility, dreams and your future.