Bacardi Girl

I bloody wish they did!

After my Friday afternoon trip to the Doctors and my little trip to Broadview Gardens… I started to feel quite ill again. There I was up night after night with this hacking cough that was now making me gasp for air. Mr A. has been brilliant… he’s got up, got me drinks, soothers (as recommended by my son), rubbed my back till I get over the coughing attack and he’s calmed me down.

Because it is sheer frightening gasping for air because you can’t stop coughing. And what makes it worse, is the only place you can sit is on the toilet, because with all this water I’m drinking – YUK! – it makes me want to pee. (I prefer Bacardi or Vodka more)! And for us ladies over a certain age… we know what it’s like when you want to go… you have to go.

Tuesday morning, I didn’t feel too bad, then it really did kick in on Wednesday afternoon as we got back from Bodiam Castle. Coughing, spluttering, gasping …. peeing. It’s like a vicious circle and it was relentless. By Wednesday night, I was up all night… my lot couldn’t sleep because of me coughing and hacking up. It was fine, just a tickle cough, however when I laid down, that was it… my throat seemed to dry up and close and I would start the next attack..

Thursday came it was back to the clinic for the dressing to be changed. She looked at me and said, ‘You look very pale! Are you OK?’ I told her what was going on and how I was getting worse and worse as the days were going on and she said about seeing the doctor again.

Friday lunchtime was blood test time… here we go… arm like a pin cushion. You’d be better off with a friggin Stanley knife, I thought.

Finally, the nurse managed to find a vein, that was being cooperative – on her third try – and with a small needle and by luck it was only one vial of blood needed. Cos that is all that vein was going to share.

I told her that the antibiotics were not agreeing with me at all. I felt so ill and dreadfully tired. And to be honest, even the thought of putting my images from Bodiam Castle onto my PC was too exhausting for me.

After Googling about these antibiotics and reading the antibiotic leaflet, it is either a 7 or 10 day course. Friday morning’s tablet was the last one on the 7 day course and I told the nurse I wasn’t taking any more. I’m back at the hospital on Wednesday and I will speak to them.

Even standing in the shower was just too much for me. So, hubby said order a stool for the shower to sit on. Which I did, plus a 32oz water bottle… so he didn’t have to keep running to the tap. 😀 😀 😀

By the end of Friday, I was an emotional wreck, I’d had enough. Everything ached with coughing, I was tired, even talking made me want to cough. And as for doing what I love… processing photos… I thought, ‘F**k it, I’m too tired. Not interest at all!’

Friday night, ended up with me sleeping on the sofa… I didn’t have the strength to climb two stairs yet alone bloody 12 of them. The only thing was, I was downstairs on the sofa, and he was upstairs in bed and kept having to run up and down to help me get over the attacks. Finally, during the early hours of Saturday morning…. I finally fell asleep. Next thing he was back at the lounge door because it had gone too quiet, and he got worried I’d died and came down to ask if I was OK. 😀 😀 😀 ‘Thank you luv…. I was just going to sleep!’ I thought to myself.

Mr A. has been brilliant. He’s my rock, my best friend, my soulmate and now, my carer. But it doesn’t take away the guilt that it should be me looking after him.

Saturday morning came and I started to feel a bit better. I even managed to go to bed on Saturday night, and I had a couple of coughs, that was soothed with water, but otherwise I had a good night and finally got some much-deserved sleep.

Today, I have a tickle still… with is annoying but nothing like I had in the week. And there was I thinking antibiotics were supposed to cure you… And I’m feeling better… and sitting in the shower on this stool, is so much easier.

Friends, family and even strangers have offered me so much comfort, a shoulder to cry on, and have kept my spirits up, but sometimes the emotional effect of living with cancer just overwhelms you with such emotions. I am dreading Wednesday but the words on the hospital letter say Mr Ahmed or one of his breast surgery team. Which gives me encouragement that the news won’t be as bad as I imagine.

I think, when I have a treatment plan, I will feel better… I know the treatment will be daunting, horrendous and debilitating, but I’ll have more hope to cling onto, knowing that they are going to do all they can to save my life.

Breast Cancer doesn’t just affect women, it affects men as well… so if there is anything that doesn’t feel or look normal… GET IT CHECKED.

Anyway, tomorrow (Monday) it’s back to the wound clinic for another dressing change. Yes, there are going to be many more decisions to make over the coming months, but we, as a family, will cross those bridges when we get to them. Whether they are the right decisions, or not, only time will tell.