Cancer Fight 9 – Time to get the bucket list written.

Fuck you Freddy!

Yesterday, was not the day for good news… Deep down inside of me, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. All those doctors who I saw when in hospital, through their half-baked smiles, told me all I needed to know. But you pray and hope they are wrong, but something inside me said they were not wrong… they knew I also had secondary cancer and that had been manifesting and spreading for quite a while.

My appointment was booked for 2.50pm but the clinic was running an hour late. The trip didn’t start very good with having to park in a side street due to no spaces in the car park at the hospital. Thank God, I got that wheelchair I would never have made it walking to the clinic from where the car was parked… Mr A. found it a bit of a trek with the wheelchair. We arrived in plenty of time and then having to wait an extra hour, was sheer hell. Deep down inside me I knew it wasn’t going to be good news, but at least I would know what I am facing.

Eventually, my name was called, and off to the Dr’s office we went. I could tell by the look on the nurse’s faces and the Dr’s we were not going to hear anything positive. I suppose this feeling that we were going to get bad news and not good news has been playing on my mind for the last few days.

And that feeling turned into reality. My cancer is inoperable! It has spread too far for surgery. They are still waiting for the receptor results to come back, but they will only tell them which treatments will or will not be available. In a gentle manner, he told me it will never be cured but it could be managed hopefully through treatments that will be available via the Oncology department.

I could see the tears in Mr A’s eyes on the news we received. As for me I became a blabbering wreck. I couldn’t have wished for more comforting nurses; they understood and comforted me. It’s not fucking fair, why me? But deep down it is my own fault. I never went to the mammograms; I didn’t go to the Dr’s straight away. There is no-one to blame only myself. I stupidly kept it from my family and friends.

Basically, the news in a nutshell is… I can’t be cured but the cancer can hopefully be managed, and I have now been transferred to the Oncology Department and I should get an appointment date within the next 2-3 weeks.

I asked how long I have, to which the Dr said they will go through that when I go to see Oncology.

After we left the Dr’s office we were taken to a room, where the Breast care nurse went through everything from measures on how to help my breathing, right through to counselling and getting financial assistance.

We drove home in silence… both of us feeling shell-shocked. There are decisions to be made, and we are working through them. Mr A. and my son will standby and respect my decisions… we are hoping and praying that treatment might give me another 5 years to live but the statistics for me are not even over 50%, more like 32%.. But one thing I do know… I am not going through the horrendous side effects of chemotherapy and radiotherapy just to get a couple of months extra.

And I’ve told them… no funeral… I want a direct cremation, no service, and my ashes to be scattered in two places… around the tree at the bottom of our garden and on the hill side where we watched the sun go down in the New Forest near Hatchet Pond.

Deep down, I have always known the prognosis is not going to be a good one… so today I start my bucket list.

And the first thing on my list is:

We are trying to keep things as near as normal as we can… all we want to know now… is how much time do we have?

23 responses to “Cancer Fight 9 – Time to get the bucket list written.”

  1. Oh Brent not quite the news we wanted but now the big fight will start I know you will give it your all you have great support around you lots of love xxxx sandra

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Bren, I was hoping for you but also knew the news would be rough. Focus on quality time together with your family and a treatment plan that is an enabler of joyful, tender times. Take care 💕 Chris

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So sorry that you got the not so good news. I still send healing thoughts, and I envision a bubble of light and peace surrounding you and your family for protection and strength to carry you all through this difficult time. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So, firstly there are no words, however that’s never stopped me before….. all the what ifs are if no use to you. My mum did everything she should’ve and survived breast cancer only to get bowel and liver cancer despite doing her poo on a stick test regularly and in fact had done one just 7 months before diagnosis… so what I’m trying to say is maybe if you’d done all those things it would’ve been ok but maybe it would’ve made no difference at all. Cancer is a complete £&@+ and there are no guarantees xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am so sorry Bren. Share all of your treasured memories with your son or write them down so he can remember you through your own words. There were so many questions I had when my parents passed that I wished I would have asked. Hopefully that will bring you joy as well as you go through the next steps you need to take. God Bless and I will be thinking and praying for you. Big Hug, Nancy

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I can’t imagine what your cancer journey is like. Or what it will become. I had endometrial cancer & every three months I would go for testing. Now it is every 6 months. I had a breast biopsy last year not a pleasant experience. I have a benign so far growth in my upper stomach. More lumps and bumps are appearing everywhere on my skin. I’m 67 and I just lost my 16 year old pup to cancer. I have a friend who wrote a book of poetry chronicling her breast cancer journey. The doctors wrote her off in her 20’s she waited too long but she survived.
    Anita Jeter-Peterkin
    Wrapped-N-Pink: A Poetic Story of Surviving Breast Cancer Through Fear, Faith, Trust and Hope
    5.0 out of 5 stars 5.0 (1) Reviews

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry – I skipped ahead hoping for better news even though, like you, I feared it might not be. But I can tell you have the reserves of courage to face this and the support of a wonderful husband and son.


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