Bacardi Girl

…On the loose with the Booze… And Fighting Cancer…

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Cancer Fight 10 – Coming to terms

Since the news on Wednesday, my mind has been awash with various thoughts. Mr A. and my son have been absolutely brilliant. They’ve told me whatever I decide they will respect my wishes. But it is hard thing to talk about. You want to say things and then you break down in tears.

Your thoughts are forever with you where you both were planning for the future, and what you wanted in life. Whoever thought that future is now time limited. One decision I’ve made is that, I am not going to spend months going through chemotherapy just to gain a few more months. Years I might consider it. But I know deep down, that with every day that passes, the cough is getting worse, the weakness and breathlessness getting very exhausting.

Whether the news on Wednesday, shocked more than I know I don’t know. I have Left Breast Grade 3 Invasive Ductal Cancer, affecting the numerous lymph nodes, affecting the lungs, liver and bones. But I feel I’m getting weaker by the day. And if my cancer is invasive as they say, has it now affected other organs yet, like Brain, Kidneys, Stomach? Because it has been over a month since I had that initial scan and have had no more.

Friday came and it was another visit to the wound clinic, for a dressing change, and I was struggling to breathe properly just walking from the car to the wound clinic. Just before my name was called, I received a call from the Oncologist’s secretary, who arranged a telephone conversation with Oncologist Doctor for Monday 8th May. I was rather surprised to get that call, cos only 48 hrs before they told me I should get the appointment date send to me in 2-3 weeks. My God this was only 48 hrs. Already I’m mentally thinking of the questions I need to ask.

You plan so much to do whilst you have time, then reality sets in that your body doesn’t want to play ball and even a trip down the pub… takes it out of you. Or you don’t have the strength to get ready to go.

No matter how hard it is, and how emotional it gets, one thing I’ve decided is NO FUNERAL, and I want to go in a tub and have a rose called ‘At Peace’. planted with me. Mr. A has said he will probably move.. I don’t think he wants to live here without me. And promised me wherever he moves to he will take the pot.

I think the lowest part of the last couple of days, is that Friday night, I just couldn’t get up the stairs, it took me 4 stops to get my breath back. Mr A. knew I couldn’t sleep on the sofa and he gets more sleep knowing he is next to me than me being downstairs on my own, that is when we decided to have a room change around. My bed is now in the dining room and the dining room table and chairs are now in my bedroom. Oh, I was so pleased to see it done, cos last night I didn’t have the struggle of climbing those friggin stairs.

However, Mr A. is getting concerned that my appetite has gone… and I’m eating as much as a toddler. If I don’t stop when my body tells me to, I throw up. Today, we went to the pub for lunch, I had a kid’s roast dinner. Two potatoes, a few peas, couple of green beans, 4 bits of carrot and slice of meat and that was it… that is all I could manage; I couldn’t even eat a kid’s dinner. I’m becoming a cheap night out. 😀 😀 😀

But your mind is amazing… there is no panic in me. Yes, I want to scream, shout, swear and I have anger raging inside me. But no fear. Which is a blessing… your body is an amazing thing.

Tomorrow brings another trip to the wound clinic for a dressing change. And we start all over again, with appointment after appointment.

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26 responses to “Cancer Fight 10 – Coming to terms”

  1. I can’t bring myself to press the ‘like’ button. Thank you for this honest account of your pain, your rage and your fear. Not to mention that of your husband and son. Keep writing – I hope it’s helping. All that we here on the sidelines can do is hold you in our own thoughts, and send positive thoughts your way. I hope that call from the oncologist goes as well as could be expected. Love and hugs xxx

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  2. I’ve been waiting for your next instalment. I do understand your wishes, my Mum was diagnosed and was told she probably had 2 years, she had chemo because it was recommended, she survived 11 months from diagnosis and was incredibly unwell for 10 1/2 of those. I think I would choose the same as you. Take care my friend xx

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  4. Oh Bren, it is hard to know what each of us would do, what treatment choices we would make. But I too suspect I’d do away with debilitating chemo or radio for little gain. Take care ❤️

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  5. A while ago I was going to say move your bed downstairs but didn’t know how hard that would be. Your thoughts are well constructed and need to be written down. I am glad I am being able to be with you to “hold” your hand. More strength to Mr A and son to keep them going as well. I hope your choice of treatment or not works well for you. Next time go to McDonalds and get a kids happy meal, if you don’t feel like eating it all, there’s always a toy to play with 🤗

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  8. I’m saddened that we only just met… I guess we will have to settle for whatever time permits you. For what it’s worth I’ve enjoyed your photos and I hope you’ll be posting more. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family 👍

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